my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Randomize
