this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
