mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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