she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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