So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
