because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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