i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
