I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
