Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
