Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
