Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
