It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
i just sent this text using only my big toe
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
