When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
