She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
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I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
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So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
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