I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
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