ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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