Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
