STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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