I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
