I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
We just shotgunned beers for America
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
