Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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