I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
