his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
