i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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