Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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