god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Randomize
