Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
worst night to have a conscience
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Randomize
