so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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