Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
