hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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