My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
