how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
