I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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