when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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