Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
