I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
