My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
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Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
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I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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