I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Semen is not good for contacts.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
