Apparently you make a good broom.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize