Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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