Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Randomize