You can't special order awesome
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
