just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
