final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
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