so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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