I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Randomize
