Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
