chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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