My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
