I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
