im drinking this country out of the recession.
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
