My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
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