look no pants
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize
