he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
