I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize