If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Randomize
