I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
