dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
