well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
