I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
