What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
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My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
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I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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